Perinatal Depression Sucks
I am sharing my story of how I experienced depression during pregnancy; Perinatal mental health is so important and often overlooked but reproductive mental health is starting to be spoken about and I am sharing my story of anxiety and depression while pregnant.
perinatal depression; my story of depression during pregnancy
Looking back on maternity leave with our first child, it feels like a dream. I didn’t feel this way at the time, but now, thinking about those warm, cozy days cuddling a baby and watching Netflix (every season of Gilmore girls, thank you very much) it feels like it was a vacation.
We even managed to pack up our then 7-month-old and took her for a month to Cape Town, South Africa to visit family.
I felt ready to return to work the following September, teaching kindergarten, ready to take on a new chapter of life as a working mom. But when I returned to my teaching job, the very first week back, I found out I was newly pregnant with our second child.
We wanted to have our children close together and we were genuinely happy when we found out, (even though this would be REALLY close). Layla was only 10.5 months old.
How it feels to have depression during pregnancy
As soon as the pregnancy hormones kicked in, I was not well. Think super nauseous, super depressed, super anxious and still breastfeeding my first child. I had been a patient at the Reproductive Mental Health Clinic when I had perinatal depression with my first child so I knew I needed to get back into the clinic ASAP but the wait was months long.
I went to see my family doctor but he was not comfortable adjusting my medication during pregnancy. Mentally I felt so terrible that one day we dropped Layla off at my parents and my husband drove me to BC Women’s Hospital Emergency. A doctor saw me but said there wasn’t much he could do. He recommended I refer myself to our local hospital’s mental health clinic, but there would be a wait for that too.
I went off work for a short while and tried to ride it out, keeping mostly to myself. Holding the secrets of a mom with living with depression inside, letting very few close friends know what was going on.
I thought I must be the weird one. I knew that postpartum depression was a thing. I also knew that there were other women at the clinic that suffered from perinatal depression, but where were they? None of my family or friends had ever seemed to deal with this.
I had feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness. I felt that my family would be better off without me. When I was driving, I remember thinking that if a car crashed into me and killed me, I would be okay with that. I did not, however, have any intention of harming myself so I wasn’t high enough of a risk for them.
Essentially, unless I was suicidal, there was nothing they could do.
I waited for weeks, unable to work, hardly able to take care of Layla. Struggling. I tried journaling for self-care, I tried meditating, I tried going for walks, I tried making time for self-care. These are activities that work for me a lot of the time, but not when I’m balls deep in depression. I needed professional help.
It all turned around when my midwife, turned bestie (Hi Grace!) was able to use her pull at the clinic to get me in sooner. I was reunited with my psychiatrist specializing in pregnant/postpartum women and my counsellor. I was monitored throughout the duration of the pregnancy and although there were ups and downs. I was overall well.
My purpose for writing this is to share that pregnancy isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. We all know that morning sickness exists but I have rarely heard of anyone speak of depression during pregnancy. There’s a whole overbooked, waitlisted clinic in Vancouver! If you are struggling right now, I hope you know you aren’t alone and I hope you have support.
I would absolutely freaking love for this message to get to whoever is in charge of funding for those programs. There are women who need help and they need help NOW.
-Breyen