Depression during Pregnancy is a thing. Perinatal Depression.
Perinatal depression is not often talked about; Many women experience depression and anxiety during pregnancy and feel that they are alone in their suffering; I experienced depression during pregnancy and am sharing my story
My experience of depression during pregnancy
I was absolutely thrilled when I became pregnant with Layla. I was lucky to become pregnant soon after we first tried and was ecstatic. I remember knowing before I even took the test that there was a baby growing. I felt different. I was feeling some new sensations in my belly and I just knew.
One morning, I woke up before my husband, took a test, saw that it was positive and woke him up. “I’m pregnant!” He sat up, wide-eyed, said, “oh boy,” and lied back down. LOL. We still laugh about it. We were in for a new adventure and we knew it.
Pregnancy is a time where so many women feel like they SHOULD be happy. That they are SUPPOSED TO enjoy themselves the entire time. It’s just not true! Hormones, family situations and personal circumstances all play a role. In my case, even know I wanted to have a child, the hormonal changes that were happening had a huge affect on my mental health.
Antidepressants and pregnancy
Before I became pregnant with Layla, my doctor suggested I try to go off of my medication. So I did. I weaned myself off until I was not taking any antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds at all and things were good! I felt “normal.” I felt happy. I felt exactly how I wanted to feel…until I didn’t.
Hormones and depression
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I was super freaking nauseous. I wasn’t throwing up, but I was queasy all. Day. Long. I also started to feel extremely anxious. I knew I didn’t feel right as I had experienced anxiety and depression before, so I went to my doctor.
I had been crying, feeling my heart race and having a hard time going out. I knew that I wanted to have a baby, but my mind and body were freaking the F out. Hormones are powerful things!
My doctor recommended that I go back onto the medicine I had been on before and referred me to the local reproductive mental health clinic at Royal Columbian Hospital. They were AMAZING there and I am so thankful to have gotten into that clinic. There, I saw a psychiatrist as well as a counsellor and they provided me with support throughout the pregnancy and through the first year after Layla was born (although I did not suffer from postpartum depression after Layla was born and didn’t need to follow through with the clinic).
Since it was my first pregnancy, I was able to really be gentle to myself. I attended prenatal yoga, slept when I felt like it, watched a lot of Netflix and floated in my aunt and uncle’s pool. Those days were pretty nice!
Perinatal depression and anxiety are WEIRD
This is a time where women feel like we are supposed to be happy and glowing. When we look on social media we see our friends showing off their growing bellies, smiling and decorating pinterest perfect nurseries. During this time, I felt alone. I hadn’t ever heard of the term perinatal depression and I certainly didn’t see it represented anywhere… But dudes! There’s an entire clinic that is booked up with women suffering in secret! That is effed up. Check out 5 secrets of a mom living with depression.
It’s likely that, like me, most of the women who are dealing with depression during pregnancy are facing it alone because they feel like they are weird. They think they are the only one feeling the way they do and would rather not talk about it.
I’m sharing my story so if any of you have felt the same way you know you are not alone. Stay tuned for the next post for the story of my perinatal mental health during Maddie’s pregnancy…hint: It was rough. I experienced postpartum depression after having Maddie as well. It was also rough.
-Breyen
PS. Now that my kids are out of the baby stage my mental health has improved a lot. One way maternal mental health has improved is by letting go of some control at home.